Dustin D'Addato.com

I’m An Award Winning Playwright - Kind Of!

admin — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 03:26:22 +0000

A couple of week’s ago I took part in a 24 hour play festival and guess what, I totally won an award for my play. It was called “As It Is In Heaven” (although I promise you it was in no way religious) and the audience voted my play Best Script. I am currently working on expanding it and along with another one act I wrote way to long ago I am going to put together a night of one acts. You know, that thing I mentioned a year ago but have finally gotten around to writing. I hope to go into rehearsal by the end of March. So that’s fun.

Ram On, Chowderhead

admin — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 02:40:13 +0000

(based on suggested title from Michelle Laikowski)

EXT BOSTON STREET CORNER

NICKY is standing on the street corner. He is drinking a beer and wearing a Red Sox Jersey.

NICKY
Hey buddy. Nicky here. I wanna clear up something that’s been buggin’ me. Actually a couple of things. First off, we almost neva say Park The Car In Harvard Yard. How much parking do you think there is there. It’s frickin’ Harvard yard. It’s not about parkin’ chowderhead.

He chugs the rest of the bear and throws the glass in the river.

NICKY
Second. I’ve been hearin’a lot of people sayin’ that folks from around here are homeopathic. (looks off camera) What? Whatya talking about? Oh, homophobic. Listen, just because I say something or someone is wicked queer don’t meet I’m talking about the gays. Anything can be wicked queer. Queer means wierd. Not that gays are wierd. It’s just a term. It’s older then that slang. Check out what Paul Revere said on this plaque “The British are coming and that’s wicked queer.” He’s a founding father, I think. They weren’t homophobic. (looks off camera again) What? Oh, okay, so it appears that some of them may have been. But not Paul. He loves queers. I mean gays. He loves gays. I love gays. I mean, you not like… I’m just saying, do what you do. You know, all your rammin’ with the penises and such. I’m all for it. I say ram on Chowderheads. All right. Let’s get out of here. Where’d you park the car? Really? You really parked it there? Did you not hear the first part of this video. Now I look like an idiot.

A Long Cold Spell

admin — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 12:33:09 +0000

INT. TV STUDIO

ROSANNA and GREG are reporting on the news. MIKE is waiting to go on.

GREG
Police say they can’t determine the victim’s identity with out the head. And now weather. Mike how’s it looking this weekend?

MIKE
Thanks Greg. The weekend is actually looking great. Look for it to be sunny with a high of 88, low of 75. But take a look at the 5 day and you can see we are headed into a cold spell. Temperatures drop down to 44 degrees.

GREG
Wow. That’s really cold. How long do you expect the cold spell to last.

MIKE
About 30,000 years.

GREG
Excuse me.

MIKE
Yeah, we checked the Doppler 3000 and the Weather Extreme 4000 and it looks like we are headed into a new Ice Age. Which starts this Monday. So like I was saying, if you look at the 5 day you can see that Monday should be partially sunny with a chance of glaciers. By Wednesday we see the temperatures drop severely and the ocean will begin to freeze.

GREG
Would you recommend people stay inside?

MIKE
Yes. If possible you should build an elaborate series of underground tunnels as life on the surface will become virtually uninhabitable.

ROSANNA
Why didn’t we hear about this sooner?

MIKE
Ice Ages can be tricky. For a while we thought it might have been El Nino or a programming error, but weather prediction isn’t always an exact science.

GREG
So is there any chance we can avoid this Ice Age?

MIKE
Unfortunately not. The approaching glaciers have already entirely taken over Canada.

ROSANNA
Why didn’t we hear about that?

MIKE
Because it’s Canada. For them it just means more ice hockey.

ROSANNA
ewwwww.

MIKE
So enjoy the weekend as it may be your last. And now Ines with traffic.

So You Are Like…

admin — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 02:39:57 +0000

EXT. ALLEY

Detective Smith and Detective Horn are standing over a dead body.

SMITH
Oh my god. This is horrible. Do we have any leads.

HORN
Right now, nothing. I don’t know how we are going to catch the guy who did this.

Gabrielle enters wearing a suit but sneakers.

GABRIEL
I think I can be of some assistance gentleman. I am a government agent who is a skilled crime fighter. I can just walk into a scene and know how did it.

HORN
I don’t know what you mean.

SMITH
I think he’s like that guy, The Mentalist.

GABRIEL
Sort of, but no. I am very different. I have a special ability to see things no one else can see.

HORN
Oh. Like the guy from Psyche.

GABRIEL
No. That guys is a fake psychic. I’m not some side show. I can just look at someone and know if they are telling me the truth.

SMITH
Like the guy from Lie To Me.

GABRIEL
No. I use people and clues to fine proof of who committed the crime.

SMITH
Like CSI?

GABRIEL
No.

HORN
Like CSI New York?

GABRIEL
No.

HORN
Like CSI Miami?

GABRIEL
No.

SMITH
Are you witty sometimes and confident in your abilities.

GABRIEL
Sometimes.

HORN
Like the dude from Castle.

GABRIEL
You’re not getting it. I get into the minds of the criminal and put all the pieces together to….

SMITH
So like Criminal Minds.

GABRIEL
No. I am not like any of those. I am a famous crime fighter. I have traveled all over the world. I have devoted my life to this after someone close to me was killed.

SMITH
So like Bones.

GABRIEL
Jesus. No. How are you not getting this? I am not like any of those shows. I can just look at a scene and follow the crime from point a to point be and calculate all the points in between.

HORN
So like the dorky guy from Numbers.

SMITH
Is that show still on the air?

HORN
Yeah. I was a little surprised too.

GABRIEL
No. I am not like that show or any other show. I am just hear to help you solve this crime with my own UNIQUE ability. Okay.

SMITH
Fine.

HORN
Fine.

GABRIEL
Great. Now tell me what you guys know.

SMITH
Sure. His name is Henry Smart. He works at the local grocery store.

GABRIEL
Wait. He’s not in the Navy.

SMITH
No. He’s a civilian.

GABRIEL
Oh, I’m from The Navy Crime Investigation Services.

HORN
What?

GABRIEL
I’m like that dude from NCIS.

Can You Believe Obama?

admin — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 12:34:59 +0000

INT. LIVING ROOM

STEVEN and MARK are sitting on close couches. They are having a couples dinner with their wives who are in the kitchen. There is food on the table. The television is on CNN.

STEVEN
I’m so glad we could finally have you and Cindy over.

MARK
Yeah. Since we moved here you guys are the first people who we’ve found who aren’t weird.

They pause for a minute to drink their beers and stop to watch television. It is a story about health care related town halls. A person is yelling about Death Panels.

STEVEN
Can you believe all this death panel craziness.

MARK
I know. Look at how worked up that dude is. I blame Fox News.

STEVEN
I just thought we were a more progressed country then this.

MARK
I know. When are people going to realize it’s time for death panels.

STEVEN
Yeah, wait. What?

MARK
Death Panels. It’s natural evolution. It was like at one point women and blacks couldn’t vote. Now they can. Well will the conservatives learn that progress is inevitable. Just let the death panels happen now.

STEVEN
You support the death panels?

MARK
I voted for Obama didn’t I.

STEVEN
But the death panels aren’t real? It’s a way for the conservatives to scare us.

MARK
Initially it was. But then they idea started making the rounds. Let’s face it. Old people are wasting resources. You have to think of the children. Think of all those stuff we would have if got rid of old people. More open apartments in the city. A better representation in voting. We could take back programming on CBS.

STEVEN
But we all get older. That means eventually we would have to face a death panel.

MARK
Or Thunderdome?

STEVEN
I didn’t know Thunderdome was on the table.

MARK
Oh yeah. Not all old people should die. The strong and cunning ones should be allowed to live. So if they are getting up there in age they can enter the Thunderdome and if they win, they get to avoid the death panels. It’s natural.

STEVEN
How is that natural?

MARK
In nature the Lion eats the older, weaker zebra. Well we don’t have any Lions so instead, thunderdome.

STEVEN
You know. I just remembered I have a meeting in the morning. I need to get up really early. Maybe you guys should head out pretty soon.

MARK
Okay. But it’s only 7:45. You must need a lot of sleep. Is your health going?

STEVEN
That’s none of your business.

MARK
Two men enter. One man leaves.

Could We Have Another One?

admin — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 01:30:48 +0000

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

HAROLD is in bed. JANE comes in from the kids bedroom.

HAROLD
Is everything okay?

JANE
Yeah. He just had a really hard day at school. There’s this kid picking on him. Hey. I was thinking. I think i would like to have another one.

HAROLD
Really? We talked about this. We both wanted one.

JANE
Yeah. One…Good one.

HAROLD
Wait? You don’t like Timmy?

JANE
No. I like him just fine. I probably even love him. But I think we can do better.

HAROLD
I mean, he can be a bit of a dork sometimes, but.

JANE
Let’s face it. If you were in 4th grade with him, you would have beat him up. We always promised ourselves we would be cool parents. And we are. But our kid. Our kid is way not cool. We’re doing everything we can. I think it’s time to move on.

HAROLD
You want to get rid of him?

JANE
No. I just don’t want to invest any more time. It’s a lost cause. We have both known that for a while.

HAROLD
I think you are being really harsh on Timmy.

JANE
I don’t think you are being harsh enough. Imagine for a moment he wasn’t you child and you didn’t have to care about him. Imagine he was just sitting there on the side of the road with a wounded knee. Would you stop…

HAROLD
Damn it. You’re right. He sucks. You’re right. Let’s have another one. And if he turns out better than…we’ll see what happens. Maybe he can go live with my mother.

JANE
Oh. I was hoping you would say that. I didn’t want to sound like a jerk.

TIMMY (OFF STAGE)
Mom!

JANE
Let him cry. He needs to learn.

HAROLD
Yeah he does.

Can I Get Your Autograph?

admin — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 23:35:30 +0000

CHRIS is sitting at a diner with this friend HENRY. They are engaged in conversation. JUDY approaches the table with a small pad and a pen.

JUDY
Excuse me. I don’t mean to bother you, but can I get your autograph.

CHRIS
Sorry to disappoint you. Who ever you think I am, I am not him.

JUDY
Oh. I know. But you never know.

HENRY
Wait. You know he’s no one and you still want his autograph?

JUDY
Yeah. I get a lot of autographs. It’s so hard to get famous people’s autographs, but regular people are easy. And then maybe some will get famous. So would you mind.

CHRIS
I don’t think so. It’s kind of weird.

HENRY
I’ll do it.

JUDY
Thanks anyway.(to Chris) Are you sure? It would mean a lot to me.

HENRY
What’s wrong with my autograph? I’m no one too.

JUDY
Yeah, but he’s got something about him. Like he could be a star someday.

HENRY
He’s an accountant…

JUDY
Yeah. But I’ll bet he’s a good one.

CHRIS
I do have a way about me.

HENRY
I’m a musician.

JUDY
That’s nice.

CHRIS
So how many autographs do you have?

JUDY
32,000.

CHRIS
Wow.

HENRY
You have 32,000 autographs and you don’t want mine.

JUDY
You have to be choosy.

CHRIS
(to Henry)Sorry.

HENRY
Can I see that?

JUDY
Sure.

CHRIS
So you really think I could be famous.

HENRY
No.

JUDY
Yes.

The Bus Boy comes over to clear the table.

HENRY
John Shwartz. Mike Dispota. Jack Hillman. Pablo Suarez.

PABLO
Yes.

HENRY
You got the bus boy’s autograph? Why?

PABLO
I have a band.

HENRY
Oh. He has a band. Isn’t that great?

CHRIS
You know what? I’ll sign it, so you can get away from this guy.

He signs the book.

HENRY
Hey, maybe you want get the paper boy’s autograph or the guy selling hot dogs.

JUDY
Thank you.

HENRY
Or the crazy lady in the subway.

JUDY
That’s why I don’t want your autograph. Because you’re a dick.

CHRIS
She’s got a point.

PABLO
You are a dick.

HENRY
I hate you guys.

PABLO
Do you want to come see my band?

HENRY
Fuck you.

JUDY
There it is again.

Are You Cool? Inc.

admin — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 12:41:48 +0000

CHUCK is on an infomercial type set. He is dressed in a very cool outfit and talking inaudibly to a sexy girl. He notices the camera. Cuts back and forth when other people talk.

CHUCK
Being cool. Coolness. Being the motherfuckin’ man. Everybody wants to be cool but not everybody is. Are you cool? Yes, because you are considering buying an “Are You Cool” Franchise. And That is cool.

ALFRED
But how does it work?

CHUCK
It’s simple as shit. You open up a store. People come in, ask you if they are cool. You tell ‘em and they give you money. Transaction over. It’s that easy so call now, unless you are not cool enough.

GARY
How do I know who is cool?

CHUCK
Simple. You just know man. Like look at these two people.

Cut to shot of two people. Guy A is making out with a girl in a mustang. Guy B is wearing a backpack and reading the dictionary.

CHUCK
If you said Guy A, you are right. If you said Guy B you are a total loser and you should turn this tape off right now. And you make me sick. Here’s the thing about coolness. You just know.

NANCY
But am I really cool enough to judge how cool other people are?

CHUCK
Yes. Here’s the dirty little secret they don’t want you to know. Judging other people’s coolness actually makes you seem more cool. So the more you do it, the cooler you become.

JAKE
But what if I can’t afford the $75,000 franchise fee?

CHUCK
They you are a loser. Get the money loser or no one will every like you.

LUKE
Isn’t that a little harsh.

CHUCK
Only if you are a loser. So send me a check and I will make you the coolest person in the world. Or don’t and everyone will hate you.

No, You Floss Every Day

admin — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 20:17:58 +0000

MR. SHEPARD is sitting in a dentist chair waiting alone. There is calm music playing. DR. FRANK comes in a distracted fashion.

DR. FRANK
How you doin’ today Mr. Shepard? Been a long time.

MR. SHEPARD
Good. Dr. Frank.

DR. FRANK
Okay. Let’s take a look…Oh… that’s not looking too good. You haven’t been taking care of your gums.

MR. SHEPARD
Yeah, well that’s why I’m here.

DR. FRANK
I’m a little disappointed. Last time we talked about you needed to floss every day.

MR. SHEPARD
Yeah, I’m not going to do that. Ever.

DR. FRANK
Excuse me?

MR. SHEPARD
If I wanted to floss, I would. But I don’t, so make with the tooth fixing.

DR. FRANK
You are the only one who can take care of your teeth.

MR. SHEPARD
Not true. You are a dentist. Who better than a trained professional?

DR. FRANK
Do you know how long it will take us to get rid of all this plaque build up.

MR. SHEPARD
Do-not-care.

DR. FRANK
You should. You are the one that has to live with these teeth. I don’t care if you are in pain.

MR. SHEPARD
Dr. Frank. You took an oath. You have to care. By law. I could call the ADA and get you totally disbarred.

DR. FRANK
Mr. Shepard. I need you to do your part.

MR. SHEPARD
No. You want me to do my part. I don’t want to do my part. I am paying you. So I win.

DR. FRANK
Fine. Fine. You do win. I guess I will just have to do it.

Dr. Frank reaches for a drawer and pulls out a drill and starts it up.

DR. FRANK
I guess I better get started. Oh crap. I’m out of Novocaine. This could take a while.

FADE OUT as Mr. Shepard starts to scream.

I Am Very Tired

admin — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 04:43:09 +0000

JERRY and MATT are sitting on couches at the end of the party. Everyone else has gone home. They look very very tired.

JERRY
I am very very tired.

MATT
Dude. Me too.

JERRY
What time is it anyway.

MATT
I don’t know.

JERRY
Look at your watch.

MATT
Can’t. Too tired.

JERRY
To look at your watch?

MATT
Yeah. Too much energy. My blood will move and I’ll be up more.

JERRY
Your blood is always moving.

MATT
Don’t tell me what my blood does.

JERRY
I’m just saying, you can’t be too tired to move your wrist a little bit and still be alive.

MATT
Well, it’s happening. I am very very tired and I don’t want to move.

Jerry gets up and kicks him. Matt reacts and is angry.

JERRY
There. You moved. Now what time is it.

MATT
3:55 am

JERRY
Dude. We should go too bad.

MATT
Can’t. Too tired.

JERRY
You can’t be too tired to go to sleep.

MATT
I can and I am.

JERRY
So you are tooo tired to stop being tired.

MATT
I am a very complex man.

JERRY
You’re a jerk.

MATT
Yeah, that too.