Weekly World Correction
INT. WEEKLY WORLD NEWS CONFERENCE ROOM
A small group of people in suits are sitting around a conference table. MR. WALKER is at the head of the table.
MR. WALKER
And I like a lot of the ideas we came up with today. This is going to be one of the best issues of the Weekly World News ever. So if no one has anything else I think we’re good.
CARL
Actually. I do…I finished the project you asked me to work on. The um…fact check.
MR. WALKER
And?
CARL
It’s…ah…all wrong.
MR. WALKER
What is?
CARL
Everything. I looked back through the every issue since since 1979 and it appears we have not gotten any stories right.
MR. WALKER
How is that possible? What are we paying our fact checkers for?
CARL
I checked and…we don’t have any fact checkers.
MR. WALKER
But we refer to them in many of our articles.
CARL
Yes. That is also wrong. It appears things got a little out of hand.
MR. WALKER
Out of hand? So what does this mean?
CARL
Well. If we are to be responsible then we should issues a correction for each of the facts that we had wrong in all of the articles.
MR. WALKER
I’m afraid to ask this, but how many would that be?
CARL
Roughly…324,765 corrections. Give or take a few.
MR. WALKER
324…That’s…
CARL
I did the math and if we start with this weeks issue we should be done with the corrections by the end of 2011.
MR. WALKER
That’s with dedicating how much space per issue?
CARL
The whole thing. We had a lot of mistakes.
MR. WALKER
Yeah, I get it. Wait. Are you saying even Bat Boy isn’t real because I saw a picture of him shaking hands with the president.
CARL
That was the president of GM.
MR. WALKER
Bat Boy is the president of GM?
CARL
No. The person shaking hands with the president was actually the head of General Motors, but Bat Boy was digitally put into the photo using something called Photoshop.
MR. WALKER
Photoshop? What the hell is Photoshop?
Everyone in the room looks around confused at each other.
CARL
I’n not really sure, but it looks like a lot of our pictures were created that way.
MR. WALKER
And Elvis?
CARL
Dead.
MR. WALKER
Damn it. He’s the king. At least Michael Jackson only faked his own death.
CARL
Actually…
MR. WALKER
Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. This is just great. I can’t believe we’ve gotten ourselves into this mess. What are we going to do? Any ideas?
GARY
I do have one.
MR. WALKER
Great. Let’s hear it.
GARY
Well, according to The Sun a woman in Tennessee invented a time machine in her bath tub that runs of love and cat whiskers. We could go back in time and hire fact checks.
Mr. WALKER
Awesome. I like the way you think. Carl. Get on it.
CARL
But…
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