STARBUCKS SQUATTER

By admin • September 3, 2009

INT. Starbucks in Williamsburg Brooklyn

APRIL and MARK are working behind the counter at a Starbucks and keep looking over angrily at JEFF. CUSTOMER ONE approaches Jeff’s table, which is covered with his computer, a newspaper and a couple of magazines.

CUSTOMER ONE
Excuse me sir. Can I borrow this seat?

JEFF
No.

APRIL
I hate that guys. He’s such a jerk.

MARK
I’ve had enough. He’s here every day all day and he acts like an asshole to everyone. I’m going to ask him to leave.

Mark walks over to Jeff who pays no attention to him.

MARK
Sir. I’ve had just about enough of you being rude to the other customers. You are going to have to leave now.

JEFF
No. You have no right to ask me to leave.

MARK
Actually sir. We do. We have the right to refuse to serve you and there is clearly a sign that says seating for customers only.

JEFF
No. This place belongs to me, so I think you should leave.

MARK
Oh, so suddenly you are Mr. Starbucks? Hey April, we’ve got Mr. Starbucks over here.

APRIL
Wow. The original Barista. Let me get an autograph.

JEFF
No. I am not Mr. Starbucks. I’m referring to the state statutes regarding “Adverse Possession” and in this case specifically “Open and Notorious Possession” I have taken legal ownership over this table and I would like you to leave.

MARK
You can’t own this place table. Starbucks owns this table.

JEFF
Incorrect. After 10 years of sitting at this very table all day long according to I now officially own this table and the land that it’s own, as per section 13-45 paragraph 4 of the New York State Penal Code. But don’t worry. You still own your Starbucks. I just own this land.

APRIL
But this Starbucks has only been here for three years.

JEFF
Yes. And before that it was Joe’s Coffee and I sat at this table every day. And guys, no offense but Joy makes better coffee.

MARK
Really?

JEFF
I was trying to be cool about it, but now you’ve gone and pushed me.

He takes off his shirt and unbuckles his pants.

MARK
Sir. You can’t.

JEFF
Get off of my lawn.

MARK
What?

JEFF
Oh. Sorry.

Jeff takes out a piece of grass and places it on the floor and places a small pink flamingo in it.

JEFF
So you can either be cool and walk away or we can make this difficult.

APRIL
Oh, I think we’re going to make this difficult.

JEFF
Okay. Since I am in the comfort of my own home I guess I’ll just go online and check out some erotica.

APRIL
Go ahead.

CUSTOMER TWO
I have my kids here. I’m not comfortable with that.

MARK
Sorry Mrs. but this is war.

CUSTOMER TWO
Then I am going to leave.

JEFF
What are you going to do?

MARK
You can scare all the really hot single moms out of here you want and I’m not going to back down.

CUSTOMER TWO
Thanks, I think.

MARK
April. Crank up the Buble. The Michael Buble.

JEFF
You think you can scare me?

Michael Buble’s The Best Is Yet To Come starts blasting.

CUSTOMER TWO
I kind of like Michael Buble.

MARK
Now you went a ruined it.

JEFF
I can’t hear my Asian erotica over the music so I will just have to blast.

The room is filled with the sounds of Buble and Asian sex. April turns off the music and for a couple of seconds it’s just the asian sex and the he turns it off too.

APRIL
Fine. Clearly you don’t want to leave.

CUSTOMER TWO
And you don’t have very good taste in Asian erotica sites.

MARK
There you go. Got it back again.

CUSTOMER TWO
Thanks.

MARK
Would you like to go out some time.

CUSTOMER TWO
I’m not sure. It can be a little confusing to the kids. I mean you seem nice, but they get attached easy and…

APRIL
Anyway, so how much will it take you to leave.

JEFF
Do you realize how much time I put into this. Every day for 10 years. That was a lot of work just to own this little three foot square over here. So people have said I was crazy.

MARK
And I would agree.

JEFF
I am never ever ever leaving.

MARK
Why is it so important to you.

JEFF
Because… because I’m lonely okay. I don’t have any real friends so I come here every day and sit at this table and hear people’s conversation. It makes me feel closer to people.

CUSTOMER TWO
I’ll go out with you.

JEFF
Really?

MARK
What? You’ll go out with crazy sit at a table guy, but not me? What about confusing the kids?

CUSTOMER TWO
Well, if he’s proven anything it’s that he’s got commitment.

MARK
And clearly no job because he sits here all day.

JEFF
I’m wealthy. My Aunt died and left me 24 million dollars. I don’t ever need to work a day in my life.

CUSTOMER TWO
Even better.

JEFF
Now I can finally use that yacht.

They get up and leave together.

MARK
Can you believe that guy? What a creep.

APRIL
Yeah…I wonder…if he likes one girl if he would be interested in to.

April runs out. Mark looks over to realize that Customer Two has left her kids there.