Dustin D’Addato.com

CHRIS is sitting at a diner with this friend HENRY. They are engaged in conversation. JUDY approaches the table with a small pad and a pen.

JUDY
Excuse me. I don’t mean to bother you, but can I get your autograph.

CHRIS
Sorry to disappoint you. Who ever you think I am, I am not him.

JUDY
Oh. I know. But you never know.

HENRY
Wait. You know he’s no one and you still want his autograph?

JUDY
Yeah. I get a lot of autographs. It’s so hard to get famous people’s autographs, but regular people are easy. And then maybe some will get famous. So would you mind.

CHRIS
I don’t think so. It’s kind of weird.

HENRY
I’ll do it.

JUDY
Thanks anyway.(to Chris) Are you sure? It would mean a lot to me.

HENRY
What’s wrong with my autograph? I’m no one too.

JUDY
Yeah, but he’s got something about him. Like he could be a star someday.

HENRY
He’s an accountant…

JUDY
Yeah. But I’ll bet he’s a good one.

CHRIS
I do have a way about me.

HENRY
I’m a musician.

JUDY
That’s nice.

CHRIS
So how many autographs do you have?

JUDY
32,000.

CHRIS
Wow.

HENRY
You have 32,000 autographs and you don’t want mine.

JUDY
You have to be choosy.

CHRIS
(to Henry)Sorry.

HENRY
Can I see that?

JUDY
Sure.

CHRIS
So you really think I could be famous.

HENRY
No.

JUDY
Yes.

The Bus Boy comes over to clear the table.

HENRY
John Shwartz. Mike Dispota. Jack Hillman. Pablo Suarez.

PABLO
Yes.

HENRY
You got the bus boy’s autograph? Why?

PABLO
I have a band.

HENRY
Oh. He has a band. Isn’t that great?

CHRIS
You know what? I’ll sign it, so you can get away from this guy.

He signs the book.

HENRY
Hey, maybe you want get the paper boy’s autograph or the guy selling hot dogs.

JUDY
Thank you.

HENRY
Or the crazy lady in the subway.

JUDY
That’s why I don’t want your autograph. Because you’re a dick.

CHRIS
She’s got a point.

PABLO
You are a dick.

HENRY
I hate you guys.

PABLO
Do you want to come see my band?

HENRY
Fuck you.

JUDY
There it is again.